The Outhouse

Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. 

 Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.  'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!  Oh my gosh!  You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!  Turn them!  TURN THEM NOW!  We need more butter. Oh my gosh!  WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?  They're going to STICK!  Careful.  CAREFUL!  I said be CAREFUL!  

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!  Never!  Turn them!  Hurry up!  Are you CRAZY?  Have you LOST your mind?  Don't forget to salt them.  You know you always forget to salt them.  Use the salt.  USE THE SALT!  THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him.  'What in the world is wrong with you?  You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' 

The Lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.

She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

Obituary:

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of  Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valued lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for  reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
 

HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the  mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon..
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
 

US statistics for 1903....

The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven
Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.
With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000.
More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the US were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30.
Canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
One in ten US adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.

Dear John Letter

Humor in the face of defeat.  A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While
he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she
explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she
wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.   So
the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his
buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.  He
then mailed about 25 pictures of naked women to his girlfriend with the
following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the
rest back."

Teaching.......Native American Style

An elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren  about life.

He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me...  it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity,  humility,  kindness,  benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and  faith.  This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his
grandfather,  "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied...       "The one you feed."
 

GUN REFRESHER COURSE

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Colt: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution © 1789. All Rights Reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Politicians.
15. Know guns, know peace. No guns, no peace.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911- government sponsored Dial a Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control-it makes their jobs safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. End the gun control laws in place, don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened if the colonists had submitted to Gun Control Laws.

BRASS MONKEY

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannon fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?
 
The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of thirty cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.
 
There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with sixteen round indentations. But, if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys."
 
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
 
Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!" (And all this time, you thought that was a dirty
expression, didn't you?)
 

How well does cold water clean?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in  a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather......."Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied...."Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
That  after noon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate,
and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes....so he asked again.. "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says......"I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now stop being so picky!"
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, Grandfather's dog started to growl
and would not let him pass......."Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the TV screen he had his eyes glued to, his Grandfather shouted........
 "COLDWATER, GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE WAY.  LET 'EM ALONE!"

The following was sent to Congresswoman Sue Myrick's office...

THINK ABOUT THIS TRUTH

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN)  for 6 a.m.  While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).  He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).  After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.  After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.  At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while.  He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in... AMERICA...
How long will it be before Joe won't have any money to shop in our AMERICAN store?

Gone To The Dogs

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street, when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.
The three dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall shiny golden retriever and said, "How well can you do?" 

"Um, I hate liver and cheese," blurts the golden retriever.

"My, my," said the poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the lab and says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

THE CENSUS

Mr. Fontenot was a typical, uneducated Bayou man.

De Census man...he come to de Bayou and he's takin' down all dis infomation. He say to Mr. Fontenot, "Just fill in this part of de form and I'll be on my way."

Mr. Fontenot say, "Well, you'll have to come sit by the side of me and fill it out cause I can't read or write."

So de Census man..he sit down by the side of Mr. Fontenot and he begin askin questions and writin' on de form. Pretty soon he
comes to de end of de form and he say to Mr. Fontenot, "Just sign it down dere at de bottom."

Mr. Fontenot say, "You already know I don't read or write.....I can't sign dat form!"

So de Census man, he say, "Just make an X."

So Mr. Fontenot, he make a great big X at de bottom and a little, itty bitty one right beside of it.

The Census man, he say, "What's wiff dat little bitty x next to de big one?"

Mr. Fontenot, he say, "I'm a Junior."

OH WHAT A NIGHT

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties...". The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you".

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WIVES

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert..
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they  just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomindales or Neiman-Marcus.
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

Welcome To The South:


In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern state.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'dirt road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. The sticky mud  - it's called gumbo. If you like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent. The big lumps of it - they're called "clods."
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5. Any references to 'corn fed' when talking about our women will get you whipped - by our women.
6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for - bait.
7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatevers, and wear your hair long, go right ahead - but if we call you ma'am, don't be offended.
9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
10. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
11. No, there's no 'Vegetarian Special' on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot - sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened - add a lot of water.
13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
14. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar cotton pickers that we only use two weeks a year.
15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we go to high school football games on Friday nights, we still address our seniors with 'yes, sir' and 'yes, ma'am', and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
18. We don't do 'hurry up' well.
19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with either salty fatback or a ham hock.
20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp, too. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
21. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 65 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. You want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.
23. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called Diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is 'Sir,' no matter how old he is.
27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
28. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature - all 4 of
them - enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $10 fine for beating up the flag burner.
Now, enjoy your visit... I emphasize - 'visit.'

The Lecture

A prominent dietitian recently addressed a large audience in Chicago and had the following to say. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Some Vegetables can be disastrous
and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will at some point, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what single food causes people
the most grief and suffering even years after eating it?"
A 75 year old man in the front row slowly stood up, and said, "Wedding cake."

A Different Kind Of Blonde

The Origin Of Chapstick

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger."
"Howdy, Sheriff"
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted it's tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips." Was the reply.
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

2001 Darwin Awards

It's that time again! The awards this year are classic. These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

 5th RUNNER-UP

 Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital.  The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

 4th RUNNER-UP

Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the  six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

3rd RUNNER-UP

Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd RUNNER-UP

"Man loses face at party." A man at a the University of Tennessee party (probably related to the winner last year, a man from Auburn University who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.  Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put
 it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Knoxville Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

1st RUNNER-UP

Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably  known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone millimeter to the left, a
major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in  Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."

Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER.

(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself
crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp  leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing,  his pocketknife penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.

Congratulations, gentlemen. You win!!

John was a minister who neglected his congregational duties on opening weekend to go deer hunting. While out hunting, he stopped to take a break when suddenly he was confronted by the largest, meanest looking bear he had ever seen.
The bear stood and advanced on him, popping it's jaws and snarling. In his fear, John emptied his rifle without hitting the bear. Dropping the gun, he turned and ran as fast as he could in a vain attempt to outrun the bear. John ran up to the edge of a very steep cliff.
 John was terrified and knew he was going to be attacked. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, John got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear Lord! Please give this bear some RELIGION!"
  The skies darkened and a bolt of lightning flashed. Just a few feet short of John, the bear came to abrupt stop and glanced around, somewhat confused. He seemed to become very calm. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, put his paws together, bent his head, and said "Thank you, Lord, for the food I'm about to receive."

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on his land.
The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?
The hunter said, "Sure" and headed for the car.
Walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer said it was OK, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson."
 With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!"
  A second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!!!"

A lawyer was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. The rancher suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked the lawyer what he was doing on his property.
 "Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied.
 "That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it’s mine," replied the rancher.
The lawyer asked the rancher if he knew who he was talking to. "No", replied the rancher, "I don’t know, and I don’t care."
"I am a high priced attorney with a practice in New York. And if you don’t let me get that duck, I can sue you for your ranch, your truck, your cattle, and everything else you own. I’ll leave you penniless on the street."
"Well," said the rancher, "In Montana the only law we go by is the ‘3 kicks law’."
 "Never heard of it", said the lawyer.
 The rancher said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours".
 The lawyer thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old guy.       "Fair enough", he said.
     So the rancher kicked the lawyer violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the rancher kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, the lawyer slowly made it back to his feet.
     "Alright, now it’s my turn", said the lawyer.
     "Aw, forget it", said the rancher, "you can have the duck."

A man takes his wife out deer hunting for the first time. It's early in the morning and the husband is explaining the rules to his wife, "Now, remember these woods have a lot of greedy people in them, so if you shoot a deer, run right over to it and guard it. If you don't, someone else will take your deer away."
     The wife nods okay.
     "And, if you get in trouble, shoot your gun in the air three times. I'll be there as soon as I can."
     And again the wife nods okay.
     "Now, this is what we're going to do. See that ridge to your right? You're going to sit on top of that one, and I will sit on this one to the left. They both agree and go to their seperate ways.
     About thirty minutes after sunrise, the husband hears a gunshot come from the ridge his wife is sitting on. He thinks to himself, "Cool, her first time out deer hunting and she gets one!"
     Five more minutes pass, and he hears three gunshots come from the other ridge. He thinks, "Oh, great. Now she's in trouble." Being the good husband he was, he ran over to the other ridge.
     As he reached the top, he came into a clearing where his wife was holding off another man with her gun. The man is pleading with the wife, saying, "Okay, lady, he's a deer, and he's yours, just let me get my saddle off."

A guy awoke one morning and discovered his prize black Labrador was not moving. He called his vet who asked him to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead. "Are you sure?", the distraught man asked. "He is a great hunting dog, a field champion in fact. Isn't there anything else you can do?" The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage. "Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."
     Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the man sighed and asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $1,030," the vet replied.
 "I don't believe it!!!", screamed the man, "what did you do that cost $1,030???"
 "Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $1,000 for the cat scan."

A guy from Oklahoma went hunting in Colorado. Late in the afternoon on opening day, the game warden came to his camp and saw a deer he had shot right between the eyes. The game warden commented, "you sure are a good shot."
     "Yeah," replied the out-of-state hunter, "all Oklahomans know how to hunt."
     The next day the same game warden came to the same camp and found a big elk hanging. It was shot right between the eyes. The warden said to the guy from Oklahoma, "you boys sure do know how to hunt and shoot."
     The guy from Oklahoma said, "yep, I told you everybody from Oklahoma knows how to hunt. Well, I got a bear tag I'm gonna fill tommorrow."
     The warden wished him luck and vowed to return and see if the Oklahoman would succeed.
     The next day the game warden came to the camp where he saw a big bear shot through both front paws and right between the eyes. The game warden asked the guy how he had shot the bear in the hands, and he replied, "well when that bright light hit his eyes, he covered his face with both hands!"

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IDENTIFICATION TAG:

         According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv.; until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
 "Dear Sirs:
 While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

INTERVIEW:

Note: This is an exact transcript of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, "We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

These are actual comments left on Forest Service comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

* "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
* "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
* "Instead of a permit system for hikers, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
* "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
* "Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
* "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
* "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
* "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
* "Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
* "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
* "Need more signs to keep area pristine."
* "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
* "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
* "Too many rocks in the mountains."

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions, and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of a encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat:
Black bear scat is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear scat is larger, has little bells in it, and smells like pepper.

From Shooting Sports Assn:

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A CONTENDER SHOOTER WHEN...

1. Your shoulder holster is easily mistaken for carry-on luggage.
2. You can tell the difference between a gopher and a chipmunk at 200 yards.
3. As you are taking your scoped pistol to the car in a soft case, your neighbor stops you and says, "I didn't know you played in a band!"
4. You have more reloading dies than most guys have sockets in their tool box.
5. You consider pistols with barrels shorter than 10 or 12 inches to be suspect as Saturday night specials.
6. You laugh really hard when your friend tells you his P7M8 is accurate.
7. You don't see any point to owning rifles.
8. You have as much invested in scopes as you do in the actual guns.
9. You consider the .454 Casall, "A nice little handgun cartridge".
10. Your kids are going hungry this week because you just had to have that new 300 Whisper barrel.
11. You are a member of at least one "Barrel of the Month Club".
12. A large part of your wardrobe has a T/C logo, including your BVD's.
13. The only magazines you have are stacked on the back of the commode.
14. You think a 10" .410 is a good turkey gun.
15. You're cleaning your T/C and your wife remarks "You think more of that pistol than you think of me!"
16. Some guy comes up to you and asks, "what do you shoot," and when you reply "A TC", he gives you a strange look. Then you describe a 14 in. bull barrel with a scope that shoots the same round as the M-16. Then he gives you another strange look and says "Boy that's a long barrel." Without taking a breath he asks, "So do you use that as your carry gun or CCW?" You reply, "Only in the bad neighborhoods!"
17. You refer to your .45 auto and .38 revolver as "your little guns", then steer the conversation back to how you can dust clay pigeons off the sandbank at 100+ yards with the .35.
18. You show up for CCW class with a 14" Contender in .45-70 claiming "It's a single shot derringer!"
19. The only magazines you have are stacked on the back of the commode are copies of One Good Shot.
20. You don't ask about that bag your wife just brought home from Saks 5th Avenue because you don't what her to ask about that package you just received from Bullberry.